2017 & THE TRASH THINGS WE NEED TO LEAVE BEHIND

Disclaimer: Well, there is no disclaimer for this post. I just like disclaimers. Come and arrest me.
 

2018 is almost here and whilst y’all are planning to make resolutions that you most likely will never keep, I’m here to add to your list very nicely. Allow me the honours? 

NOT MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS

2017 was a year I realized that people DO really enjoy ‘pucking’ their ugly noses into everyone’s business. It’s borderline rude to ask people about things that will never concern or affect you in any parallel universe, except that person is a close friend or family. Questions should be asked sensitively and things that should be left out should be left out. I’ve always felt that people who are nosy feel the need to know everything so that they can compare their lives with others.  People’s situations, dilemmas or even relationships aren’t your business unless they decide to include you. I once told someone I’m not close to that I was traveling back home and the fellow asked me “Are you flying?” Whilst I was wondering how my choice of transportation concerns a stranger, I realized that in Nigeria, this question is asked out of a need to find out what strata (Can you feel that English?) of the class system you belonged to and, my answer gave birth to claims that I was the son of a very wealthy man and eventual pleas for money that would come from my -1 account balance. Don’t be offended when people don’t reply your nosy questions. “Unlook” and “detox” from people’s lives next year.

EXCUSES FOR LACK OF COMMUNICATION

“Social media and technology has connected the world… yen yen yen blah blah blah yapidy yap”. 

Humans are now more disconnected as ever. I know our lives are busy and we don’t have time for everybody but, we need to include those who love us genuinely and who we care about deeply in turn in 2018. “I hate it when people call me, just text me… we-waw, we-waw OH SHUT THE HELL UP!” I really should buy a tap and close the dirty water coming out of your dirty soul. Call your loved ones, make out time. Reply their WhatsApps and Twitter Direct Messages promptly. Be there for the ones who will be there for you.

DON’T CALL OR TEXT PEOPLE WHO WOULDN’T REACH OUT TO YOU IF YOU DIDN’T TO THEM. (x2ce)

The phone must work both ways in 2018. This is how you’ll know who is in your army and who is not.

·         LEADING SOMEONE ON

The 21^st century is so fucked messed up because people are having to deal with so many choices hence why everyone is starting to move mad. The same happens with relationships for millennials. In English, most people just want sex and not commitment and that is okay (Religious folks, hold your horses and let me finish). Let whoever you have something with know what you want and if they’re ready to put up with it. Don’t start something you know you cannot continue with. Keeping someone in the dark and disappearing later can be very emotionally shattering and demeaning. If you know you want sex and whomever you’re with wants something else, please use the exit and download Tinder.

You can’t be selling anyone dreams.

·         PLAYING HARD TO GET

Let me use my humble self as an example. I’m the worst person to play hard to get with. People who tried it with me were surprised at how I moved on so quickly and started contacting me again. Whilst my life principle involves not getting attached to anything asides Sweet Sensation’s sausage rolls, if you tickle my fancy and I decide to look your way and you start acting funny, best believe that I will go back to finding the next Sweet Sensation outlet for my sausage rolls and leave you behind in your foolishness.

If you like someone, they like you back and you’re ready to start something with them, let them know instead of playing hide and seek. If someone likes you and you cannot reciprocate the feelings, let them know as well and build a friendship if you can. Our generation needs to stop running away from commitment. Emotional unavailability is really a show of weakness and cowardice.

·         VISITING SOMEONE WITHOUT CALLING THEM.

I can’t even say much because your case is spiritual. You know yourselves. Do better in 2018.

·         ENTITLEMENT

The planet earth, anyone in it or above it does not owe you anything. Stop expecting people to be good to you because it’s not a free gift of nature. No one owes you money (except debtors. BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY IN 2018!!!), food, gifts or anything because of the remotest or abundant connection you have with them, be it family, friends or romantic relationships. Entitlement gives birth to greed or jealousy which in turn gives birth to malicious thoughts and loathing which can as well lead to someone shooting up a bunch of people because he/she feels that the world is denying him/her what they deserve.

·         HOMOPHOBIA

Again, religious folks please hold your horses.

 It’s almost 2018 and seriously guys, leave these people alone. This goes back to my first point of minding your own business. Same-sex relationships will never affect you in any parallel universe unless you’re attracted to the same-sex yourself.

·         FRAUD BOYS

These are a bunch of the most classless people on earth. They will use every opportunity to show you their stolen money and wash their hands with wines that truly shows how classless and poor they are. Stay away from these people next year. Don’t spend their evil money with them because the lightning that God has sent for them might miss them and land on you.

PEOPLE WHO TAKE CEREAL WITH WARM OR HOT WATER

Please stop that. You're committing a mortal sin against mankind and cereal manufacturers. 

OVERLY HORNY PEOPLE

There is more to life than constantly concocting plans to jump into bed with someone. You can find the cure to cancer you know? Please seek therapy.

·         THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT

Made up of old and clueless buffoons, the Nigerian government should’ve been left behind since the 1990s. All I have to say is that I am not voting in 2019. All I want now is my parents handing me my burgundy passport so that I can go back to my original country.

·         SEEKING HAPPINESS FROM THE WRONG PLACES

True happiness does not exist in money or a person. Happiness exists within your core. Find your happiness and let a person or money compliment it instead of being its source. When the money or the person disappears, you’d still have your happiness instead of emptiness. Never be attached to anything in life. Almost everything is fleeting.

Happy Holidays to all of you my wonderful readers who have constantly supported my trash writing. I genuinely wish you all the very best the season has to offer. Shout out to all my “I just got back friends” who haven’t given me $100 0r £100 to change my destiny.

 You will receive your reward when you miss your flight out of Lagos or your connecting one at Paris Charles De Gaulle and Amsterdam’s Schipol.